Wednesday, 5 August 2015

The Sound of your life

June 25th #23

Today I finally heard your heartbeat for the first time. We kept getting told we'd hear it and today we did. Now I'm not an overly emotional person but it really did bring tears to my eyes. I wasn't even there. Your mum went to her appointment and they said they didn't need me. Imagine!

Your mum sent me it on WhatsApp and I'll find a way of keeping it so you can hear what your heart sounded like before you were born, another absolutely crazy idea to hold in your head.

You sound like a little train chugging away, full of steam.  Your beat is faster than I thought it would be and you sound full of power and life. I sent it to your grandma and granddad and your auntie and I think your granddad got quite beside himself and asked if we knew if you're a boy or girl yet even though that scan is a few weeks away. I was so excited I had to go and play your heartbeat to the ladies in the office.

It's such a strange process, this being born thing. Sometimes everything seems to take so long and everything seems so far away and nothing seems to be happening. Then suddenly there's a massive change and each time you seem more and more real and closer to being with us.

And I suppose there's something to be said about this patience thing which I don't ever seem to have as much of as I'd like. I try really hard but I like things to happen and I don't like to have to wait.

My grandpa always said I needed to learn how to sit still and I always used to wonder why. I was always so restless.  I still am.  I’m not very good at sitting down or staying still.  My grandpa was interested in eastern philosophy.  He always said that when I was old enough he would teach me how to stand on my head and meditate.  I did try meditation a few times but it didn’t really work for me.  In fact, after a while, everything kind of went white and the perspective behind my eyes shifted and it made me feel like I did when I got delirious. Maybe some people just aren’t meant to stay still.
When we got your twelve week scan you were moving about so much that the nurse found it hard to take your ‘photo’. We said then that you were definitely mine.  Maybe you will be like me, always wanting to be moving and on the go. But there is something to be said about having a little patience, about having that ‘calm’ that your mum has. It's that thing about enjoying every moment.  
When we were in Tesco the other day I was talking to one of the women who work there (that’s another trait I got off your great granddad, talking to everyone).  She met your mum for the first time and she said that your mum has a calm aura.  That’s a good description of your mum.  You can sense the calm radiating from her (usually).

Me and your mum can't wait for you to be born but maybe we should try harder to remember and enjoy these moments as they happen. When we first found out your mum was pregnant we didn't know quite what to do with ourselves. And then we were waiting for your 12 week scan so that we knew everything was going to be okay. Then we were waiting for your mum to feel you move, next your heart beat and then whether you're a boy or a girl. Maybe we just have to slow ourselves down a little.

I think I could listen to your heartbeat over and over and over. It's the first sound I've heard of your life. There will be plenty of time for everything else. Right now I just need to think about the magic that I've heard today.

It's very easy to wish your life away, to always be looking for something else. You'll be a baby, then a toddler, then you'll walk and so on. What I'm learning is these things will only ever happen once and we need to hold them close for as long as we can.

And you should maybe try that once you are here and old enough to understand. Keep as many moments for as long as you can and hold on to them.  Maybe like little butterflies. You have to let them go but enjoy them whilst they last and then store some of them, just in case, just for rainy days, just because you can.